Popcorn Medievalist

. . . for i had perceived that reality is a frightening place, and i did not wish to live there . . .

Location: Canada

Monday, April 24, 2006

How Did Koalas Get to Australia?

How did koalas get to Australia? Sounds like a pretty stupid question doesn’t it? But some people just don’t seem to get obvious stuff like this, so let me spell it out really simply for you: God led them there.

It all really goes back to a time 4351 years ago when God caused all the water to run out of the oceans and onto the land. Now some people are skeptical as to how, scientifically speaking, such a phenomenon could have occurred. For these people I have two words: water viscosity. Simply increase the viscosity of water and watch as it pulls itself out of the oceans and along the land, up the mountainsides until everything is covered. Everything, that is, except Noah’s Ark. That’s because Noah’s Ark was built out of gopher wood, and as you probably know, gopher wood is water-repellent.

So naturally the water caused all the people and animals to drown. That’s why God had told Noah to build the Ark actually, to save the animals from extinction. So Noah put two of each kind of animal on his Ark, except for dinosaurs because they had already been extinct for millions of years. Anyway, after forty days and nights the water viscosity returned to normal and the land all drained off again. So Noah’s Ark landed on Mount Ararat and there was a rainbow and stuff, and the animals all got off the Ark.

This is where we get back to the koalas. After the Great Deluge God told all the marsupials to go to Australia, except opossums. Now of course Australia is a good way off from Mount Ararat., like 10 000 kilometres really, and some marsupials are happy to just eat grass and hop along all day, but koalas are a different story. Koalas are tree-dwelling animals that like to sleep a lot and really aren’t much good at long-distance travel on the ground. But the real problem of course is that, as we all know, koalas will only eat the leaves of the eucalyptus tree, and there aren’t really any eucalyptus trees at all en route across Asia to Australia.

Are you getting a little worried at this point? O you of little faith! God didn’t leave the marsupials to find their own way to Australia; He sent them a Pillar-of-Fire cloud to go before them and guide the way. And every day He rained down eucalyptus-leaf manna for the koalas and koagas to eat. There used to be koalas and koagas; koagas were pretty much the same as koalas except they were purple with pink noses and they groomed themselves a lot. God the koalas and the koagas that they could eat the eucalyptus-leaf manna every day of the week except on the Sabbath, but when He said this the koagas were too busy grooming themselves and weren’t paying attention, and the next Sabbath day they ate the manna and God struck them dead. (I think we all know the real reason God struck them down, those fruity koagas.)

So the marsupials plodded on across Persia and India, Myanmar and Thailand, and at the end of forty long years they arrived in Singapore. Australia was still a 3 000 km swim! Well that was a bit much, so God ordered all the marsupials to jump into the sea and He sent giant whales to swallow them up. Then the whales swam down to Australia and threw them up on the beach. The marsupials picked themselves off the sand, shook out their pouches, and thanked the whales. Then they looked around at their new home. It was so beautiful! It was paradise! And the koalas looked and saw a eucalyptus tree! They climbed up into the tree and feasted on its leaves, they were so delicious! Wow! And that’s how koalas got to Australia.